Gold-Digging for Dummies

After being sick and sleeping for the better part of the weekend, it wasn't all that difficult to get up after SideShow shook me awake this morning around 5:30. AM. You know, that never talked about hour. I wandered around the house for a few minutes reconciling myself with consciousness, made a pit stop at DD on the way to work (mmm, coffee), and stumbled into the lab a little after six. Yet, something seemed off. My coffee was more bitter than normal, owing to the fact I've stopped letting them dump cream and sugar into it without any consideration to my arterial lining. I got a really good parking spot. My set-up (done yesterday for an experiment to do today) actually worked. And yet, there seemed to be some dark, ominous presence on the edge of the horizon, threatening all that is good in the world with its malevolent plot.

Evil, thy name is "Today" on MSNBC. I nearly spit my coffee out on the screen when I saw this article on my homepage: How to meet and marry a billionaire: Money magazine's field guide to the mating habits of the ultra rich

There's even video of a Meredith Viera interview. An excerpt, below:

Are you looking to fall for someone tall, dark — but most importantly — very wealthy? Marlys Harris, Money Magazine Senior Editor, explains what it takes to snag your very own Richie Rich:

Work hard, take risks, maybe build your own business. That's the traditional route to financial success. Of course, there's another highly traditional path to acquiring wealth that isn't talked about quite as much these days: Marry money. . . .

. . . But how realistic is it for you, an ordinary wage slave with no more ties to the jet set than a business trip to Cleveland last month, to even meet, much less marry, a billionaire?

As a matter of scientific inquiry, Money Magazine decided to find out. To that end we analyzed the mating habits of 50 of the mega-monied to learn how they met their spouses.

We scoured the how-to-marry-rich literature and talked to society watchers, upscale matchmakers and wealth experts. And we pored over divorce news to see how spouse No. 1 was supplanted by spouse No. 2 (or 3).

Unfortunately, those who had already made it to Fat City refused to say how they got there. "I am just not telling," said one billionaire's wife over her cellphone before hanging up.

Nonetheless, our findings were encouraging. Marrying a billionaire is not beyond your grasp, as long as you're willing to work hard toward your goal. (Yes, hard work - albeit of a different kind - is still a requisite for achieving wealth.)

Need I say more?