22 February 2006

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What a wierd day.

I had the strangest, scariest dream last night. I can't even remember what it is now, all I know is I woke up in the middle of the night, something I never do, all freaked out. Very odd.

When I woke up at the normal time it was all grey outside. When I left for work, it was snowing. Very cool. It made me smile.

I'm pretty tired. It'd be nice to have one job, that only goes nine to five, where I don't get to bring work home with me...


06 February 2006

Chick Element


04 February 2006

Blogging it off my mind... maybe.

This week was my brother's birthday, and, just as I intended the last few years, I decided I wanted to send him a card. Since I, like the average person, am able to express myself fully and creatively to those I care about, I did the natural thing... I went to Target and looked for one.

Now, for most situations, this isn't a huge ordeal. You spend a few minutes (ok, I spend a lot of minutes) wading through the racks, reading all the clever comments and cartoons, snickering at the age jokes, etc, until you find the perfect card. Then you realize there are no more envelopes left, and have to raid the surrounding cards until you find one that fits, thus contributing to the problem for someone else.

I however, did not even really get this far, because after a lengthy search I realized I wouldn't find anything appropriate. Hallmark hasn't accomodated my need for a card that wishes happy birthday to the brother I haven't seen in almost five years because he's been a guest of a state correctional facility. 'Hoping this birthday is better than the last' just didn't ring right. Moreover, there's no card that says 'I'm sorry I haven't returned most of your letters' or 'I didn't know how to tell you how angry I was with you for lying to us' or even 'I still think about you every day and hope you're ok.' The blank ones are just as useless. Some of the most important things I need to say to this person, and I can't come up with them on my own -- I have to rely on a greeting card company to help me out. He's not ok, and I know that. And for a long time now I've been struggling with how I feel about all the things he did, and while I did I shut him out of my life. Was it justified? At one point I thought it was. Sometimes I still think it is. Is there a limit, to what someone can do before a family-relationship doesn't matter anymore?

But now I just want to send him a card, just to do something, and I have no idea what to say in it. I don't know why I'm so surprised -- it happened last year, too.


01 February 2006

Evening thoughts.

The last few weeks have been kind of wierd for me. I think part of it has been that my routine is all messed up -- I got a new lab job, which I actually like, but the hours are way different from what I keep when I'm on my own time, and I'm working a lot for the Company. But I've also been in this funk that I haven't been able to figure out.

I got tired of trying to figure it out. Now I'm just going to change it.

I'm way too judgemental about people, and I need to stop. It's not fair to them, and it makes me a huge bitch. Several times in the last two weeks I found myself in one-on-one situations with people that I previously couldn't stand. And I found out that really, they're not all that bad, and if I hadn't been such a jerk I might have figured it out before. I need to do a better job of listening and a better job of not talking, particularly when that talking isn't leading to anything productive. And I should be able to decide how I'm feeling. I'm tired of having 'off days.'

Happy February. It's going to be a good month.

Or at least, interesting.