23 May 2005

Late Night thoughts

It's almost two in the morning, and I'm sitting here awake. It's one of those evenings where my head just feels full, and I'm not sure how to quiet my thoughts down so I can get some rest. Probably related to the cup of coffee I drank earlier.

I'm still getting used to the idea of a blog as a live journal -- I guess it doesn't have to be. The best place for most of the thoughts that go on in our heads is where no one else can read them, probably. The last few days when I haven't had anything to do, or was ignoring what I was supposed to be doing, I spent a lot of time surfing through other people's blogs, and some of the things they bare just.. amazes me. Of course, there's some degree of anonymity. And there's a good chance some of it isn't true. But maybe it's just good for them to get it all out to a crowd of readers without faces. Maybe this is the same reason why I'm so intrigued with the post secrets blog (previous post) -- if a blog is a release for the writer, the postcards are amputations. Ways to get rid of the things they carry around.

The last couple of days I've been giving a lot of thought to relationships. I'm still close enough to my roots that this is the time of year when I run into people I haven't seen in six or twelve months, and spend a little time playing catchup. Every year it gets a little stranger, just because we're all getting to be so different. And even though you keep meaning to send a card or pick up the phone, it's almost scary how months can pass by before you talk to someone who you once saw once a day/week/etc. A few months ago I found out a girl I went to school with (we were lunch-table friends) died of a heartattack two years ago, age 20. I had absolutely no idea.

I stopped making New Year's resolutions years ago, for the reason that I never kept them. Randomly, now, at the end of May, I'm thinking all these years I maybe missed the point. It's not that I should be resolving to drink less, eat better, exercise more, or anything like that. Maybe I shouldn't be trying to give anything up. But there should be time set aside to sit and think, and consider what's really important. What are my priorities. Who do I care about, and who cares about me. Am I really happy with where I am and who I've become. What can I do to change it.

It's a frightening thing, to look back like that, because at some point you (ok, I) fear the answers to the questions. If I, looking back, realize I'm incredibly unhappy, or don't like what I'm doing, or don't like who I am... where do I go from there? How do I begin to change me, when the only person I've ever been is myself? What if I can't change, will I be unhappy forever?

Someone once told me unhappiness is the result of a collision of reality with a person's illusion. Their concept of what reality should be is different than what is, and this creates unhappiness. I used to think that what one needed to do then was destroy his or her illusions, and I still believe this would be true. But it's not a one-sided statement. We're not a victim of our reality, and we can shape it, actively, ourselves. It just takes the ability to stand up, shake it off, and change those aspects of our lives that go against what we actually want for outselves. Maybe this is something close to courage.

< /rambling>

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