15 September 2005

Gift Ideas

It's always hard to shop for some people, whether its a birthday, a holiday, or just a special occassion. Having given a lot of thought to someone's birthday present recently (and by a lot of thought I mean I asked him what he wanted), I scoured the web for some unique gift ideas (and by scoured I mean googled for ten minutes). Below is a partial list of what I found, so you too can share the gift of wierd with your loved ones.

5. Coming in at the start of the list (bottom? top? I can't decide if this is a countdown or a count up.): give the gift of pestilence. That's right, now you can share your favorite virulent pathogen with your loved one -- and then give them a stuffed animal to commemorate it! The Giant Microbe Flu Bug is a great gift for all ages.

4. If diseases aren't your thing, you can give the gift of a better life. Nothing says "baby I love you" like a class that says "you suck at life and need special tutoring." The Life Coaching Seminar offered in the UK can help your loved one improve any area of their life. Hopefully relationships will be one of them.

3. Give the gift of new dental work! Your loved one will be swooning all the way to the emergency dentist with this next gift, a finely crafted Solid Silver Rollo. Personalize it with a special message, or with your loved one's dental records.

2. Help improve the garden or yard with this next lovely piece, an ornamental Squatting gnome advertised as quirky and enjoyable. One site even suggests he might 'lead you to the buried treasure'. Steaming turd shipped by special request.

1. Topping (ending?) the count is........ (drumroll please)
Plastic figurines that dispense cigarettes or candy from their assholes. Because nothing says classy like eating jelly beans that fell out of a plastic cow's rectum.

I hope you've enjoyed this handy reference for those hard-to-shop-for people in your life. Remember, the best gifts are those that keep on giving. Make memories that you'll talk about for years to come (unless that restraining order gets in the way).

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