19 September 2005

Talk like a pirate day!

Happy National Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arr.

So, now that I'm into the spirit of things, I thought I'd spend a moment on reflecting on one of the truly tragic losses of our time: the now endangered Pirate.

Throughout history, pirates have adapted to their times. Bucking the labels of convention, their motto could go something like: "One man's criminal is another's privateer. Now give me your gold and your maidens." There's lots of historical evidence on the roles of pirates in wars and government, but as I don't really feel like reading up on it, I'm going to go on making things up.

Pirates evolved about a thousand years ago (with the dinosaurs, if you're a creationist) into a people dedicated to the sea. They started a war with their natural enemy, the ninja, who eventually forced them off their land. They took to the sea to find a better life. Along the way, they met the ship DDD, laid the righteous pirate slap (see below) upon them, and won! They decided that chasing booty was the way to go, and thus a new enterprise was born. Incidentally, the present day frat-boy is a distant descendant of this species.

Sadly, pirates are ill adapted to our knew, modern day society. Modern technology has only sparingly adapted to pirate needs. From what I could see during my google search, those that didn't choose the life of videogame and movie characters have been forced to model bad halloween costumes, though the market seems to be ripe for pirates willing to bare their cleavage to the adult industry. Fortunately, their legacy lives on in a wonderful range of phrases immortalized in reference literature. Some of my favorites include the angry pirate, pirate pants, the famous pirate slap, and apparently 'Pirates', a beer in France with massive alcohol content.

So, next time you cheer for the Pirates (hockey or baseball), or catch yourself listening to some Piratecore, take a moment to reflect on everything pirates have done for you.

Cap'n Abigail Firebeard, signing off.


Ash Sere said...

That's got to be easily the most accurate history of pirating I've ever read.

Personally I'm just a fan of Johnny Depp and a great *admirer* of Keira Knightly.

Oh aaar!

jeff said...

It's important to keep in mind that the declining number of pirates has caused global warming.

Atleast that's one of the firm beliefs in the First Unified Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...