10 October 2005

Are YOU prepared??

The second week of October marks Squirrel Awareness Week, an obscure celebration of diversity with one main objective:

Squirrels must die!

That's right. These animals are not just cute lil' furry creatures that jump from tree to tree, collect nuts, and make crunching sounds under your tires -- these are rodents. And you can be sure they're out there, plotting something evil, right now. I know this is true, cause I've seen them do it on a commercial. Where did these little bastards come from, and how are they currently planning our demise?

Several theories have evolved as to where the squirrel came from, from 'Darwinian theory', to creationism and real scientific ideas. But whatever their origin, they're clearly up to no good. During the course of my thorough research (I googled) I came across the following statements, which I know are reliable because I found them on the internet:
Many skwerlhuggers believe that, someday, a nice squirrel from Heaven will come to set everything "right." They say these are the final days before Skwerlaggedon. Thus, we must embrace Orthodox Skwerlhuggery and the false promises of squirrel world domination...

...the bushytail horde advertises itself as harmless vegans content to nibble delicately on nuts and berries... but they are, in fact, drooling, slavering omnivores... and in some cases, predatory, carnivorous assassins.
Squirrels are responsible for havok everywhere -- just a small number of things I found included...
Damage to cars, homes, and property (they get in people's walls!)
Mental distress (I hit one when I was 15)
Attempted hijacking of a plane
Stealing street drugs for personal use
The moral decline of society
Voting George Bush into office
Clearly, it's time to fight back! So be alert, be on the ready, and look for more information on how to be prepared for
Squirrel Awareness Week

1 comment:

platkat said...

These evil rhodents also cause people to wrote terrible poems about their grossly enlarged testicles.